“By Luann Chou”
It all began after I attended a Heal Your Life Workshop. We practiced mirror work as a group and as I was speaking lovingly to myself in the mirror, I could feel my eyes welling up.
Perhaps it was the tears that stirred me. I can’t be sure, I just know, in that moment, I had a bright idea.
Although I have been practicing self love for about 15 years, from time to time, I recognized a low hum within me that felt like I was not quite enough and my gut feeling was it had a lot to do with my dad.
Throughout the years, I’ve gone to therapy, participated in family constellations and partaken in other healing modalities in the hopes of healing some of my “daddy wounds.”
At some point, I decided I had done plenty of work and I couldn’t worry about NOT getting my dad’s approval anymore. I decided that what I needed to do was to move forward in my life with ME loving and approving of myself.
It was in the Heal Your Life workshop where I was struck with an idea. What if I did get my dad’s approval after all? What if my dad started approving of me every day… in my daily mirror work?
The day of the workshop, I came straight home and started practicing mirror work with my dad.
For me, the eyes are everything. I suggest using a compact mirror. It helps not to be distracted by hair, make-up, etc…
Immediately, I loved this mirror work with my dad.
My dad was so nice to me. He told me he was proud of me and that I was a wonderful daughter. My dad told me he appreciated the sweet things I did for people and my kind heart. These were things my dad had never told me before.
I did a few days of mirror work before I captured the essence of my dad and then off I went – I took this show on the road, so to speak sans my mirror. My dad traveled with me everywhere I went
A week in and everything was great. Then, I hit a bump in the road…
As I was sharing with a friend about the mirror work and how my dad’s encouragement was really helping me, my friend expressed her happiness for me but also concern that I was giving all my power away to my dad because she believed I was the one doing all the work, not my dad.
Hmmm. Here’s what I heard. You are talking to yourself. Even though I talk to myself all the time, this didn’t sit well with me.
Because to me, this process had everything to do with my dad.
I shared my daddy mirror work with my Conversations with God group, walking them down memory lane with me and my dad as I was growing up.
Suddenly a member of the group blurted out, sounds like your dad has Asperger’s.
I paused.
In that moment, I was in the moment, experiencing my dad as an adult.
Yes, that made perfect sense, but since I mostly ever saw my dad through the eyes of my younger self, this had never occurred to me before.
It dawned on me that my dad, in this incarnation has significant emotional limitations but his soul doesn’t.
This really helped me get past that little bit of doubt that had crept into my mind. As my dad traveled everywhere with me encouraging me and helping me, I really felt like it was him talking to me and not just me talking for my dad and giving him lines.
I knew my dad’s soul had the capacity to be loving and supportive, just not in this space and time with me in this life and dimension.
I’ll share a particular story that showed how much this work could help the inner critic.
In my art class, we had to do a still life drawing in charcoal but the art teacher did not give very much direction. I was discouraged by the lack of instruction and the bony finger coming by to correct my “mistakes.”
In my frustration, I decided to take a break from my drawing and my dad and I had a little talk in the bathroom.
My dad reminded me, “Luann, this is the first art class you have ever taken. You didn’t even know you were to break the charcoal twig until the teacher told you 20 minutes ago. You’re learning to shade and to see light. You’re learning to apply shapes into your pictures. You’re doing a great job. This is a process. Be proud of yourself. I’m proud of you.”
I returned to class armed with a knowing. I went ahead and finished my drawing for the day without letting my teacher’s comments of “You’re not done!” etc… throw me off.
I was done, with my still life drawing and with his class too and I wasn’t even mad about it.
I knew I was enough.
It’s been richly healing having my dad’s approval.
And she exhaled…
