Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Teenager
Recently someone I respect and admire, who does not yet have a teenager, gave me a bit of a hard time about my seemingly lax attitude in raising my teenager. It’s not terribly important what she gave me a hard time about, but suffice it to say, I was a little bit hurt, a little bit defensive, and then really grateful for the opportunity to stop and take a look at not only my parenting style, but also what it’s truly like to raise a teenager.
Of course, I remember being a rebellious, moody teenager, and as soon as I had a child, I knew that sweet little child would one day turn into a rebellious, moody teenager. But I also felt I would be an enlightened parent who was still connected to her children and spent lots of time with them having important conversations. I would be able to help parent them through teenage angst and keep them from feeling similar self-esteem issues I had. My first born is now a teen, and I can honestly say, “yeah, right!” Somehow, what hadn’t occurred to me, was that he would start to bloom as his own independent person, who could make intelligent decisions on his own, and would not only need far less advice than I had anticipated, but not be interested in it. I thought I would always be helping him grow, all day, every day. What I have found out about parenting a teen is that if I want the important advice to be heard, I need to control my desire to oversaturate the moody, intellectual, eye-rolling teen with all the important knowledge I feel I want to share all the time with him. I need to be selective and really on point or I’ve lost him.
My son was very ill with a neurological autoimmune disease when he was three. After that, he was hypersensitive both physically and emotionally. My husband and I worked tirelessly to help him learn to manage his hypersensitivity. His emotional stability became the main thing we focused on so that he could understand himself and the world around him. At around the same time, I started working in the personal-development industry and began to understand the negative effects of shame and guilt on the human psyche. So, we were careful to teach our son about emotions, trying hard to hide our dismay when things went way wrong, and there were times they did! Instead, we focused on using those situations as continued teaching moments. I have since found out that, without even knowing it, we were working on strengthening his emotional intelligence or his EQ. I thought, eventually, his need for help in understanding himself and the world would taper off, but what I am finding is that the further we get into these teen years, the more emotional support he needs. His emotions are not getting easier to figure out. They are getting deeper, more complex, and, therefore, more difficult to understand and navigate, not just for him, but for us as well. Perhaps our parenting style appears to be less structured than others, but we are very present in our decisions and communication with each other and our kids.
It is easy to feel ashamed as a parent. It is easy to direct shame towards parents. It’s the most important job any of us takes on and we all have thoughts and beliefs we bring to the table, even if we have never been parents. I believe I am a good parent who is doing her very best every day, and yet, often I feel like there is so much more I could have done if only I had about twelve more hours in the day. I am perhaps a bit less rigid than many parents I know. I am not this way for any other reason than it is what feels natural to me. My husband and I have boundaries, of course, but even within those boundaries, we encourage open communication, trust, and respect. We hope this leads to true communication with our children that reflect, to some extent, the complex thoughts they are having about their world. We are careful to encourage that emotional intelligence so as not to alienate and shame them for their choices. Instead, we want them to know they have a safe place to talk, especially in the difficult to navigate teen years. Are we right, all the time? I’m pretty sure we’re making mistakes, but most of the time, it feels right. At the end of the day, that’s about all I have to go on.
Christy Dickson is a one time English professor who has been working in the personal development industry and following her heart for nearly a decade.
